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September 16, 2002 - Monday | 11:03 AM, CST
Spinner and I
spent most of yesterday afternoon installing the tachometer in my truck. I
had originally wanted to place it on top of the dashboard, but we lacked
enough room underneath to drill a sufficient hole. That meant we had to take
an extra trip to Auto Zone to purchase hose clamps. We would use these to affix the tach to the
steering column.
I also treated Spinner to lunch at Monical's. Only two managers were
working, and keeping Kristy's warning in
mind that the managers make a special effort to deny my friends and me
straws, I felt it inappropriate to leave a tip.
Other problems with the tachometer installation included troublesome
dashboard panels which didn't like to be removed, and our own stupidity at
allowing the coil to remain unhooked, leaving us both to wonder why the
truck wouldn't start. No matter, it works perfectly now, and I'm happy as
can be.
To understand the following section, you should read my dream last night. Not
the one about the dead folks, the one about Zach's mother.
Have you read it yet? Ok, then you can go ahead to the next paragraph.
Now, has anyone else noticed besides me, that you never have a Zach when you
need one, and you always have a Zach when you don't need one? (this includes
all forms of Zach: Papa, Mama, and Little)
Lets say you're sitting there, minding your own business, and the villainous
Nathan comes over
for a visit. What does Nathan do? He breaks your shotgun. Maybe Papa Zach
will know how to fix it. "I'm sorry," says the Moma Zach,
"Norman isn't home right now."
Maybe Zach will know. "He isn't home either."
Or perhaps you've got a posse of hoodrats rollin' up to your house lookin'
to throw. It'd sure be nice to have Zach here to back us up. Oh, wait,
Zach is at home being a pussy. No answer on the phone.
The opposite is true as well. Lets say you just get back from the post
office with this month's Playboy. You sit the magazine down in the chair
opposite, light a few candles to bring some romance to the room, and pour two
glasses of wine. You know its going to be a good night, because its not
like you'll open the Playboy to find a note attached that says "I don't
know if I'm ready for you to read me yet." Or worse yet, "I think
we should read with other people."
No, of course it isn't going to happen, because its just a fucking magazine.
Anyway, you're sitting there... the feeling is right... you lean forward
slightly with your eyes half closed and reach for the cover...
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*
There's a Zach on the doorstep, ruining a prime time to make love to your
hand. Whats a fellow to do, you ask?
My solution is to invent a Zach-detecting device. Although still in the
drawing room stage, I think we should call this a zachometer.
A zachometer would be an ingenius, time-saving device that should be a
standard fixure in every person's life. You could wear it on a band like a
wrist watch. No more spoiled evenings alone with a magazine. No more of
Papa Nathan's tools being cannabalized into makeshift shotgun parts. No
more Zach sitting at home in his underwear watching TV with a bucket of ice
cream while his friends valiantly fight off attack after attack of flea
infested hoodrats like Travis Brandenburg, Robert Walters, Shitcock Steve and
his dirty brother One-Eyed Mitch.
When you have a quiet evening to yourself with Miss November, and your
zachometer goes off, you can lock the doors and board up the windows so your
balls don't turn as blue as a smurf. You can find yourself a Zach to back
you up in a fight in no time. Just by cruising around and listening to the
ever increasing Geiger-counter-like beeps detecting the musky pheromone
scent of a Zach in heat.
But wait, there's more!
If you call right now, we'll throw in a second zachometer, a seven
dollar value, yours absolutely free!
So here's what you get: two zachometers, a hand held bottle of maple syrup,
and three EZ-Klean moist towelettes (for those hard to explain jobs)...
FOR ONLY $19.95!!!
Operators are standing by.
Offer void where prohibited. Subject to sales tax in the
states of Nevada, Colorado, and Tennessee. Claims made by
this ad do not necessarily denote any real Zach-detecting
capabilities. Refunds available to anyone not
satsified with their purchase (checks will not be honored).
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