December 16, 2003 - Tuesday | 4:59 PM, CST

I should just be waking up right now... Instead, I have a pizza cooking in the oven, and I'm making an update. I just can't seem to sleep in this house. It never fails that I wake up exactly between two and three in the afternoon. Every. Single. Day.

My guess is that I automatically wake up when the sun begins to go down. Although at two and three the sun is still a few hours from setting, it is getting darker. Added to the fact that an Illinois winter is almost always kept under a thick layer of clouds, the light levels are constantly low. This probably means little to all of you, but to me, the winter months can be very frustrating due to the lack of sunlight.

I think thats called SAD (seasonal affect disorder) or something. Depending on the true definition, that is. I don't get teary and suicidal when the sun goes down, but I am much happier when I have a day full of bright light. That isn't to say that I dislike the night. Many of my best memories are from the nighttime. Except they usually involve snow wisping past a glowing pair of headlights, or bright stars on a lonely country road.

Maybe I'm just working too much. Being on the midnight shift probably doesn't help someone who enjoys the daylight. Especially in winter. I wake up in the darkness, I go to work in the darkness, I get off work and its still pretty dark, then I sleep during the day. Throws off the Circadian (sp?) rhythms. It wouldn't be bad if it was a few days a week, but six? But I can't quit my job because then there wouldn't be a house.

But what is so great about a house? When I was living at home, I couldn't stop thinking about my own privacy and the degree of separation between myself and my family. A lot of times I'd disagree with either Mom or Bryan, and I'd sit there and say to myself "Don't worry about it, you'll be out soon." Thats certainly a valid reason for moving out. I mean its not that I hated my family, but I do believe that once you get to be a certain age, you become less inclined to get along with your parents and siblings.

Part of my problem is this: I wake up about two or three. Then I'll lay in bed until about 4:30, trying to get back to sleep. Once that fails, I resign myself to the fact that I'll have to take a nap later. Then I get up, dress, and fix myself something to eat. That leaves me with maybe an hour or two to try to visit with people or get some housework done before I get tired. And thats on a day that I don't have school.

When I have school, I wake up, get ready, go to school, come home, go to work, come home, go to bed. So it really doesn't leave any room for much else. I need to study tonight for my EMT final tomorrow. Then it'll be almost a month vacation before I start back up again. Next semester will probably be hell since I will also need to find time to get my clinicals done.

That would be one advantage of living at home again. I could get a part time job and get my school done easier. But then I think that I'm not really going to school for anything in particular, so as soon as I've got my EMT-I license I'd need to find something else to do. I don't want to be a paramedic, so then what? I told myself six months ago that I'd figure it out, and try as I might, I'm still stumped.

These past few weekends have been nice, because Andy, Gary, and Koby have all wanted to stay over at my house. Having some friends over has definately put me in better spirits.

I've been sitting at work lately, being nitpicked, bitched at, and fighting to stay awake, and thinking to myself "Wish I could hop in my car, find Andy and a few other friends, and drive off into the night to find adventure."

But thats probably the insomnia talking, plus, my pizza is calling me.

Cheerio pith helmeteers!

grokkings

Green banana boat!

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