November 5, 2004 - Friday | 11:34 AM, CST

Yesterday afternoon I experienced what I would consider the fourth animal jihad that has been launched against me in my short lifetime. The others are as follows:

1. Mouse bite.
   
2. Suicide bomber racoons.
   
3. Chipmunk chewed through my phone lines, cutting communications for nearly a week. (Unmentioned in the journal)

So anyway, there I was, laying in bed. It was two o'clock in the afternoon. I decided to get up and take a piss to relieve the pressure on my swollen belly. As many of you know, the winter months especially bring me severe bouts of insomnia. I usually wake up around two or three in the afternoon, and find myself unable to get back to sleep.

Yesterday was different. I laid back down and instead of feeling a cold, hard bed underneath my fragile innocent body, I felt a soft, warm, inviting bed (if you have insomnia, you'll know what I'm talking about). I knew instantly I'd be able to have a full night's (read: day's) rest.

Clang!

What was that?

Just the house settling... Go back to sleep.

I keep my eyes open for a second or so longer, staring out at the room. My eyes slowly close...

Ding! Ding! Clang!

I'm being robbed by ghosts! I lay very still in bed, my eyes wide open searching the room as the clangs and clanks seem to get closer...

Its under the floor!

Critters! My critter visitors have returned to spend the winter with me living under my house and causing me no end of annoyance. Fearing perhaps that one of the critters was actually inside myhouse (which has happened before with the previous owners), I grabbed my twelve gauge and did a search of the house, stomping my foot loudly over the heating ductwork.

I didn't hear any footsteps below in the heating ducts, so I must have scared them away. But just to be sure... I cranked the thermostat up a few degrees so the furnace would kick on.

Laughing at my cleverness, I sat down in my computer chair and got online, resigned to have an incomplete night's rest, but satsified that I had beaten the rodents freeloading in my house.

Suddenly... the webpage I was viewing slowed down... then stopped!!! A window popped up alerting me to the lost connection. "Well, that happens," I thought, and hit the reconnect button. A "No Dialtone" error came up on screen.

"Hmmm... interesting..." I lifted the receiver on the phone next to my bed. Nothing. Then I went into the living room and tried the cordless. Just a hissing noise.

The same hissing noise the phone made the last time rodents chewed through the wire!

I knew then that this was no ordinary loss of phone service. I was under attack... An unholy animal jihad of pure hatred, waged on me by a crack team of Mouselim extremists (mouse + muslim).

This was very likely the same fundamentalist group that organized the other three jihads against me. Knowing that I was dealing with professionals here, and knowing I'd have to "play along" by calling the phone company and reporting the problem, I went outside to the telephone network interface to perform a short test which the phone company requires of you in order to expedite your service.

During the previous attack, which occurred earlier in the spring during peak mosquito season, the Mouselim fundamentalists tapped into the phone lines and pretended to be a telephone company operator. They told me I'd have to go outside, open up this telephone network interface, and there I would find a phone jack. I was supposed to insert a telephone I'd unplugged from the house into that jack, and test to see if I had service.

So I went outside yesterday, and opened up the interface. No phone jack, just as before. This time, however, I wasn't losing any of my precious blood to the Mouselim's ally: the mosquito. There was a small plastic panel on the left hand side that said "Only to be opened by qualified personel." I feared that opening this would cause a whole new heap of trouble. I could just see a happy operator, smiling as she talked, saying "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, but opening that panel voids your warranty. We are going to have to charge you an extra seven hundred dollars for that."

Not likely, bitch. So anyway, I end up calling the phone company.

Me: Uh, hi. My phone isn't working.

Mouselim Fundamentalist: (dripping with mock concern) Well, that isn't good. Have you gone outside to the interface and checked there?

Me: Yes, there wasn't any jack to plug in the phone.

Mouselim Fundamentalist: Are you sure it was the interface?

Me: It said so on the side.

Mouselim Fundamentalist: Oh, well you have to disengage a metal clip, and pull out a wire in order to reach the jack...

How silly of me not to realize that! She continued on...

Mouselim Fundamentalist: (voice still dripping with mock conern) Otherwise, we'd have to set up an appointment to come check it, and we are all booked until next week...

Me: Fine, I'll go recheck.

Mouselim Fundamentalist: Ok, I'll put your complaint on hold for the next twenty-four hours. Have a nice day *coughcoughINFIDEL!cough*

Me: What?!

Click.

When I returned home, the phones were working again. Obviously the mice and rodents had been busy repairing the wires, probably to lure me into a false sense of security for when they plan their main assault. That way I won't have time to dial 911 before I am devoured by their extremist hoardes.

grokkings

Beefcake just told me that Marcus is puking after having four beers and some Fritos. Sissy.

different crap

Ghost hunting    7/23/02

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