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January 11, 2005 - Tuesday | 5:04 PM, CST
I received the following message this morning:
Sender's name: Paul
Sender's email: Paulfrancisj@yahoo.com
Message:
Boy oh boy I stumbled upon your page when I googled for images of ligntning bugs. I am sad to
say that I live in the same state as you, but at least I live in Chicago so we might as well be
in other states.
Anyways, you look exactly like I imagined a person from Iroquois County would look, ugly! I'm
glad you can stand to look at yourself in the mirror because you have a very "Deliverence meets
Mexican facial hair" look to you which I imagine makes a lot of people in Iroquois County puke
all over their trucks.
See ya.
And here is my response:
Hey buddy!
Thanks as always for writing. I'm glad you have the time to be e-mailing us downstaters with your opinions of fashion and
appearance... but I suppose its about what I'd expect from a Chicagoan with a middle name like "Francis" who has nothing
better to do than look at pictures of lightning bugs. At least its better than sitting around collecting welfare benefits and
committing crimes like the rest of your city's population.
I have included your e-mail on my website for the rest of my ugly Iroquois County friends to read and discuss. I always enjoy
when some idiot wastes his time on some pointless message such as yours. Did you think I was going to walk around my
house, dark and depressed, for weeks on end after reading your comments? Was I going to go out and get plastic surgery to
not be so ugly? I can at least thank you not to have sent your picture along with your comment.
I wouldn't want to puke all over my truck.
See you around, Francis.
-- Matthew
Ah, fun times. Every once in awhile I get an e-mail from some punk like that, and it always brings an incredible amount of enjoyment out of posting his comments here for all of you to see. Hopefully this one will at least e-mail me back to provide some kind of ongoing dialogue. Oh well, what else can a downstater do but hope?
I hope you all enjoyed the Zach Meadows guest entry. We all love Zach.
But anyway, I have to tell you all about an excellent meal I had on Saturday. It was quite possibly the single most important meal of my life (in terms of enjoyment, that is). Kelly and I were on a date. Something like a 'dinner and a movie' thing. I decided to take her to Ryan's Buffet to redeem the gift certificates Mom got me for Christmas.
Two buffets cost $19.52. I handed the cashier my ten dollars worth of gift certificates, then handed her some cash to make up the difference. Suddenly I heard a booming voice shout "Don't take their money!" and a large figure rush up to me from out of the corner of my eye. It was the store owner, who is a close friend of Kelly's family.
Much to my elation, he voided out the order, and gave me back my gift certificates as the stunned cashier looked on. He told her "If you ever see them eating here, don't charge them." He then personally escorted us to our table. Usually when we go and eat there, he hovers around us making small talk, so the service is always excellent. This time it was even better, I no more than put a plate down or finished my drink before it was wisked away by the waitress. The only difference this time? It was free!
I felt very aristrocratic.
Or at least I would have, if not for getting trapped in my hoodie when I attempted to take it off when we sat down. It got wrapped around my head, and pulled my t-shirt up to around my neck. I called out to Kelly for help, but I don't think she heard me over the laughter from the next table, as all the Mexican facial hair sprouting out of my back was exposed to the room.
And here are all the comments.
Name: Matthew
Date: Tuesday, Jan 11th 2005, 4:22 PM
From Paul:
Wow! Nobody has made fun of my middle name since high school, which makes sense for you because like most people from downstate you've probably never graduated from high school, or at the very least it was a very, very difficult time in your life. Anyhow, Francis was my grandfather's name and he was a soldier in WWII so obviously it isn’t embarrassing for me, especially since I use it in my email address. I thought you might have picked that up. Well, things could be worse; I suppose I could walk around calling myself “Alcade” for no good reason. I also notice that you were the first person EVER to come to Chicago and take a picture of yourself by a “Wacker” sign and make a clever reference to jerking off. Good for you!
Paul!
And my response:
I'm sorry to hear that as distinguished as your grandfather was, he didn't raise more mature offspring. As "clever" as it is to walk around calling myself "alcade" (a nickname from a cousin, long ago, which I too, am not embarrassed about) or taking pictures of myself at the wacker sign, I can at least be assurred that I don't go around meddling into others' business for no other reason than that they are "ugly."
I think you should take a lesson from the person who shared your middle name, and go out and make something of yourself. As fun as it is to think you're cool by acting like a sophisticated city boy, it doesn't seem to me by your letters that you have much going for you. Try finding something better to do with your time, maybe you'll set a good example for the rest of the worthless city trash you live with and I won't have to pay so many taxes to support you.
-- Matthew
Name: Bryan
Date: Tuesday, Jan 11th 2005, 4:43 PM
This is the other mexican haired brother...I wonder if this Francis fag looked at all the guys pics. in an attempt to find a southeren lover to waste away the long night frolicking through fields of lightning bugs. Kinda makes you wonder what the hell is wrong with city foke? Well I'm going to go puke on my truck.
Name: Mommadearest
Date: Tuesday, Jan 11th 2005, 5:12 PM
Gee Matthew you haven't had this much excitement on your site for quite some time! I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion even if they don't have a clue who you are but feel inclined to throw insults at you. Good thing we have that wonderful first amendment that we fight so hard to protect. Personally I really don't think you're at all ugly although I have to admit I had a great laugh when I read about getting your hoodie stuck on your head! Perhaps natures way of trying to protect the other patrons of the restauraunt from your ugliness!!
Name: Zach
Date: Tuesday, Jan 11th 2005, 10:34 PM
Would it count if I puked on the barbie jeep? It's almost a truck.
Name: Matthew
Date: Wednesday, Jan 12th 2005, 7:42 AM
More news:
Saying that I was “meddling into others' business” is a little extreme, don’t you think? Like I said, I Googled “lightning bug” and your ugly mug showed up. I was so disgusted that I had no choice but to go straight to the source. It was sort of like gawking at a bad car accident at the side of the road, you know you should speed up and everything but you end up slowing down to look, and becoming completely revolted and sorry that you took that road today.
Anyhow, let’s take a look at what you and your pals have said…
-Fag and other anti-gay references.
-Complained about taxes and welfare for no reason.
-Can not spell the word “folk” properly. City foke?
-Mentioning the First Amendment.
-And finally, calling me a sophisticated city boy.
I’m totally going to take your word that you and all of your friends are rednecks…almost borderline rural, mud eating, mountain hillbillies if you ask me. Really, none of this is actually new to you because you’ve actually written most of it on your page, except that it looks like it’s your brother who has the spelling problems. But I do have to admit that I find your skewed view of the city sort of troubling. The cost of living here is probably twice what it is in Iroquois County, and if you kept up with the news you might have read about the mayor pushing all of the “worthless city trash “ out of Chicago and knocking down the housing projects years ago. Sure there are still pockets of “worthless city trash” who live in dilapidated buildings that will be torn down soon, but I seriously doubt that they can afford the internet, let alone a computer. I guess somebody who drives to the big city to take a picture of themselves next to the Wacker sign shouldn’t be expected to have much sense. Well, I hope that my writing this to (like you asked) has brightened up your web page a little more. I’m sorry that your mother had to read what I wrote about you (especially the mud eating part), but if just one of you learns how to spell “folk” properly, it will all be worth it.
Paul
And my reply:
You were so disgusted by my ugliness, you had no choice to go straight to the source? Do you actually believe that, or are you just saying it to save face? Now, I am no Cassanova, but I also know there are a lot of people out there who have it much worse than me. Do you expect me to believe that you go around insulting anyone who is as ugly? Do you greet strangers on the street with "Hello Ugly!" Do you enjoy making fun of the handicapped and the deformed? Or do you just have to be holding a lightning bug jar to
meet your criteria? I'm afraid you have me at a bit of a disadvantage, I don't have a picture of you to critique. However I did notice on your Yahoo profile that you are at least twenty-five years old. Is this what someone in his late twenties does for amusement?
As for what my friends and I have said, if you think that "fag" is the worst of it, then I must say you haven't done your research well enough. "Fag" is by far one of the tamer words on my site - its more of an insult towards political correctiveness than anything else, but I find it hypocritical and somewhat amusing at the same time that you bash me for my insensitive language, when I take into account the nature of your e-mail towards me (once again, the ugliness and what not). Complaining about taxes for no reason? Well, genius, I thought the reason was somewhat evident. I have to pay them. The more taxes I pay, the less money I have. Mentioning the first amendment? Is that taboo in Chicago as well? I had no idea, you should post a notice underneath the Wacker sign, maybe more of us slack jawed yokels will figure it out then.
So the mayor is pushing out all the worthless city trash and demolishing their homes? Very hospitable of him, I'm sure he sleeps better at night for it. Apparently he hasn't found out where you live yet? The last time I went to Chicago (on your famed Michigan Ave.) I was bombarded by requests for spare change. You don't get that sort of thing around here, but I imagine thats just a result of our "lower standard of living."
Thanks for writing. I'm sure my mother will get over the fact that her son eats mud. And everyone down here in Iroquois County would like to personally thank you for clarifying how exactly to spell F.O.L.K. We are forever in your debt.
-- Matthew
Name: Suzanne
Date: Wednesday, Jan 12th 2005, 8:46 AM
You know if you had any balls you would've just posted on the website if you were going to make reference to the rest of the people who reply on this site. As for rednecks, I would rather be a redneck then some stuckup jerk from Chicago (and yes I could come up with something better then that but I am trying to use small words for you to understand.) Also, if you feel that way about us why are you still making a point to reply?
Name: Matthew
Date: Wednesday, Jan 12th 2005, 2:30 PM
Last but not least:
Wait, you complained about taxes because I mentioned that I was happy that I lived in Chicago because it was far away from Iroquois County? I guess the reasoning would be somewhat evident if I constantly reminded myself that you were a redneck and would complain about taxes if I mentioned oatmeal. In Chicago not only do we get hit by the same exact taxes you get hit with, but we also have a city tax. If anybody had any business complaining about taxes it would be me, but it doesn’t really bother me to the extent that it bothers you. And since you’re good about complaining about taxes and government, you probably could have figured out that the mayor couldn’t have just kicked people out of their homes and not given them a place to stay. The people I mentioned were given rent vouchers which not only let them get out of the housing complex and choose their own place to stay, but it also gives the landlord who accepts them plenty of benefits every month and on tax returns.
Second, I never said Chicago had a higher STANDARD of living because I’m sure that Iroquois County had much cleaner air, less traffic, and a lower crime rate than Chicago. When I said “COST OF LIVING” I meant things like car insurance cost a lot more in the city, rent is more, taxes are higher. And the only reason you were bothered or bombarded for change is because you probably looked like a tourist. Homeless people are pretty good at recognizing who is local and who washes their clothes in a bucket once a month. And it probably didn’t help that you were like “LOOK THAT SIGN SAYS WACKER…GET THE CAMERA.” So yes, we have homeless people on the streets because Chicago gets tourists and people from the surrounding suburbs that are dumb enough to give them money. I’m pretty sure that if Iroquois County had a population that came even close to Chicago’s, you might get the occasionally Box Car Willy as well.
So I have to go to work today and do some adult things, so I probably won’t be bothering with this stuff anymore. But if your brother needs anymore help with spelling and grammar, you can forward him my email address.
Also grokking in fullness,
Paul
And my reply:
Alright... so you have to pay more taxes. Thats great, but it really doesn't prove much to me. Your arguments about the homeless problem doesn't particularly hold much weight either - but I'm going to try not to get into politics with you. My main points were centered around your immature and questionable reasons for contacting me.
I'm glad you're going to go now and do adult things, assuming of course that "adult" things involve working and being a productive member of society. From your e-mails, it doesn't seem like you know how to do the latter. Hopefully you won't see any more ugly people today, I'd hate for it to throw you off track.
I'll let Bryan know about your offer. I'm sure he'd love to look you up the next time we venture up to the "big city" to get a personal lesson. (he's pretty ugly too)
-- Matthew
Name: Kelly
Date: Wednesday, Jan 12th 2005, 6:48 PM
Funny how Francis keeps repeating the same thing over and over, and he must like my boyfriend enough to keep writing him. (Wonder if little Francis might have a thing for mexican haired boys?) Three words: Grow up....fag.
We're always willing to help a kid out, right y'all.
Name: Bryan
Date: Wednesday, Jan 12th 2005, 7:06 PM
Wow, looks like I've missed a lot in one day. Maybe because I have better things to do than sit around reading a random persons website and rip on ugly people while masterbating to pictures of myself. I spent most of my day tending to my six bedroom house and hanging out with my girlfriend before I went to bed. Hey Paul if you ever get tired of living in a trashy one bedroom basment apartment cost of living is so cheap here in mudville that you can buy a real house for about one third of the cost of a city apartment. Yes Paul rednecks can do fractions, and if we really want we can use spell check to make sure we did not misspell any words as simple as folk, which if given a country accent would sound like foke. Well its about time to go to work so I need to go eat some delicious mud and puke on my trucks.
Name: Junior
Date: Wednesday, Jan 12th 2005, 8:19 PM
You know Paul, it's a funny thing you should mention that, BECAUSE -I- do have a boxcar friend. His name was Boxcar Joe, I used to feed him scraps and fuc......... keep him in my basement but now he lives in a box in my closet in several smaller pieces. He's MY best friend from Chicago ;)
Name: Art
Date: Wednesday, Jan 12th 2005, 9:57 PM
OK, so this guy says he ran across your page Mathew because he googled "images of lightning bugs"? So I thought I would go to Google and type in "lightning bug", "images of lightning bugs" and do a google search as well as an image search.Guess what... ALCADE.NET DID NOT SHOW UP! This guy is full of shit; alcade.net does not show up on google for either of those two searches. If anyone can find the lightning bug page of Mathews through google I would be interested to see the hyperlink from your google search. I went through 10 pages of each search and came up with nothing pointing to this site. The guy is full of it.
Name: Penguin
Date: Wednesday, Jan 12th 2005, 10:12 PM
I love the fact that this asshole, whom has disgraced the city of Chicago, has defended his city and pointed out how Mayor Daley has indeed been trying to clean up the city, which many people in Iroquois County might not pay attention to in the news. However, I must ask why it is seemingly alright for this faggot to talk about the people in Iroquois County like they're from the 1800s, with all this "mud eating" and such.
And furthermore, I happened to be born in Chicago, and moved to Iroquois County later in my childhood, so what does that make me????
P.S.-If and when this is read by this fucker, and he decides to make fun of my calling myself "Penguin", just remember that a Penguin can easily spuash your precious lightning bugs.
Name: Matthew
Date: Friday, Jan 14th 2005, 6:33 AM
The latest:
Hey Matt-
I'm sorry I'm going to be busy again today, but I did want to let you know that I checked your webpage this afternoon and noticed that there were all sorts of clever responses to my emails. But like I said, I'll be busy today until I get home around midnight, so maybe tonight or tomorrow afternoon I'll respond to Penguin, Art, and my absolute favorite of all of your pals, your brother Bryan. He's like a complete accident!
Anyhow I did want to say this in response to Penguin...
"And furthermore, I happened to be born in Chicago, and moved to Iroquois County later in my childhood, so what does that
make me????"
That would make you stupid. See, that was really, really easy. If I have time at work, I'll talk to you soon!
Paul
My reply:
Your letters become even wittier as times moves on (as evinced by the last line of your previous message). But the point isn't about which is better: Chicago or Iroquois County, or taxes, or crime, or any of that other drivel. What I'd still like to know is how you find it socially acceptable to act like a juvenile, e-mailing random strangers to comment on their physical appearance. I guess your WWII grandfather must have fought for the wrong side, and you still have some of that eugenics training running through your head.
And how exactly do You look? I'm guessing you're not much better, otherwise you wouldn't have such an inferiority complex. Or maybe I'm wrong with the psychological stuff, and you really Are a jackass.
-- Matthew
Name: Art
Date: Friday, Jan 14th 2005, 9:08 AM
Franics - As I read your message you state “I’m sorry…” and I agree with you. You are a very sorry disgrace to the human race and lower everyone’s intelligence with each post or email you send. I hope you never have children for it would truly be a shame if you infected this world with your poisoned seed. You are a pathetic scumbag, your parents were scum and you're doing a most glorious job of following the tradition. You are one load I wish your mother had swallowed.
Name: Jacob/Junior
Date: Friday, Jan 14th 2005, 1:50 PM
Point, set, and match: Art!
As they say Art, honesty is the best policy ;)
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