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April 18, 2005 - Monday | 8:06 AM, CST
And now, as promised, Nickler's guest entry. Enjoy!
I've never written an entry in something that I would call a journal, so it is awkward for me. I'm so used to writing for academics
that I often find it hard to realize that I can compose for pleasure and enertainment. So I'm going to give it a try. There will be
no fluid evolution to my writings, just revelations of my thoughts and observations, and stories of my trials and tribulations.
Matthew often talks about personal things that he notices. It often inspires me to look into things that I encounter. One things
that I have noticed is that when you eat or drink certain things, your pee smells like that thing. You all know what i'm talking
about, so don't judge! For instance, every time I drink a cup of coffee, I have to pee an hour later, and it never fails me that my
pee will resemble the smell of coffee. Normally, that's the only thing that I notice. However, a couple of days ago, I was in a
hotel @ Sioux City, IA. Right across the street was Chili's. I don't eat there often, but I thought I'd try it out. I went over and
ordered some boneless chicken wings. It's hard for me to understand the concept of bonelss chicken wings, but nonetheless,
they are one of the best things to eat. Anyway, these wings that I got were no ordinary wings. They were BONELESS
SHANGHAI WINGS. Crispy breaded chicken breast topped with sweet and spicy ginger-citrus sauce and sesame seeds.
Served with spicy-cool wasabi-ranch dressing for dipping. Sounded somewhat foreign, but interesting. To make a long story
short, these things had a flavor that was like no other I had ever experienced. As you know, flavor is caused from smell. You
see where I'm going with this...I ate the hell out of these things. I woke up the next morning and took the normal morning piss.
As I was pissing, I was literally awakened and taken aback by a strong, familiar scent. My pee had transformed into the liquid
form of Shanghai wings. It's not as though I had my nose shoved in the toilet to notice this, either. The problem that I had, and
that I normally have, is that there was noone there to share the moment with. I just wanted to be able to grab someone like
Spinner and have him smell that pee and confirm it resemblence to the Shanghai wings. Anyone else ever consumed and
smelled? Let me know! go to chilis and try these wings, too.
As you know, I am on the road all of the time. It's fun to travel. To see new places and meet new people. It also has its
downfalls - particually being unable to see your friends or have a conversation with someone that you have a long history with.
You know how it is, when you're talking with old friends you don't have to explain jokes or circumstances, the friends know it
because they know you, your history and were probably there with you. Anyway, I"m on this trip and I don't get to talk to
people very often and get deep into a conversation that allows me to laugh. So I have a lot of pent up "laughter." A couple of
weeks ago I was traveling through Kansas city. I had about three days to spend there, so I took advantage of it and saw the
city. I found one of the best stores, ever. I think the name of it was the Cheddar House, or something like that. It is a store that
sells nothing but cheese. Not only do they sell it, but they let you taste it before you buy it. I'm not talking about one of those
places that you have to ask for a sample either. This place has over 200 cheeses, just sitting in fridges for you to eat at your
pleasure. As many of you know, cheese is a food that is on the top of my food chain. So when I happened upon this place, my
day was made. I started browsing around and picking at pieces of cheese. I got a lot of looks from the workers, but noone said
anything to me. I'm not modest, and always one to take advantage of opportunities, so there was no way I was passing this
FREE cheese buffet up. Before I left I had probably eaten a half of a pound of cheese. I slipped out of there and didn't buy any,
but was certainly satisfied. I continued to walk around KC, and found myself walking in circles around this Meca of cheese. So
I went back in. Ate some more. I finally broke down and bought some cheese. I started eating the cheese as I strolled down
the street. I then developed a backache. As this ache progressed, It really got stiff. Fate should have it that I would just be
strolling by one of those stores that has massage chairs in them. So I went in. I sat in a few of the chairs and let them try to
work their magic on me. The first ones that I sat on were the cheapos that you just fit over an existing chair. They are ok, but
they have no impact on a cheese induced backache. I continued on, trying the chairs as they became available. The good ones
never seemed to be open. But I waited and happened upon a chair that I was able to get to. I had noticed earlier that people
would sit in the chair and then leave relatively quickly. A lot of the times, people sit in those kinds of chairs and practically fall
asleep. But not this one, they sat down, and then were up. Well, I was able to make it to the chair for my turn at it. I paid no
attention to anyone or anything around me. I just wanted that prime chair that had built in massagers - two remote controls. It
rubbed your back, your neck, your butt, calves, and feet all at the same time. WHAT A PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY.
I sat down into it, and it was immediate bliss. But i was distracted. There were two identical chairs sitting next to each other.
The fella in the chair next to me was a mentally handicapped man. You know how these chairs have different settings - low,
medium, high. Deep massage, light massage, patting massge, etc. He had his chair on the high setting of the patting massage,
and he was having the living hell beat out of him. He was laughing hysterically, had an arm swinging in the air, and was staring
right at me. I thought to myself, be an adult, ignore him, and get your massage in the ultimate chair. I composed myself and was
able to move on with my massage. I tried different settings and different modes. Little did I know that the high setting of the
patting massage mode was coming up. I hit that mode and that thing started to beat the hell out of me. Just as it was the guy
next to me. I just started laughing - not because of the guy next to me, but because these actions that the chair was doing to me
just felt funny. As I started laughing, the man next to me started laughing harder and harder and harder. Mind you this is no
normal laugh, this is a laugh of a man that is having the hell beat out of him by a chair. I started laughing so hard that I had tears
runing down my eyes - and this guy next to me had slobber running down his mouth. I feel bad pointing this out to you, but all of
these little factors compounded to having me laughing as hard as I can ever remember. I then had to jump up and sprint out of
that store, just as all of the other people that previously sat in the chair did. So then I understood. But I didn't forget my cheese.
I've been in a lot of states and a lot of places in the last few months. Without question, IOWA is the worst of them all. I can not
even describe to you how bad this state is. The best part of the entire state was Sheldon, IA.
Sheldon had gas stations, a Dairy Queen, and many other things that all sheldons should have. The coolest thing that it had was
a cemetary of combines. Here is a picture. But the picture does not do it justice. there are literally
thousands of combines out there, perfectly lined up to have their parts stripped out of them for use in another combine.
I'm in Minneapolis now. I will be home next week, probably Wednesday or so and in town for about a week. So if anyone
doesn't have to work, or has some stuff to do on the weekend, please keep me in mind because I'm dying for some social
outlet.
Zach, I'm going to try to make it to see you, maybe Monday. I just have to find out what my travel partner needs to do. As
always, though, no guarantees.
Coming next week, the story of my secret service encounter...
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