July 26, 2005 - Tuesday | 8:36 AM, CST

Guess what was waiting for me in the driveway when I arrived home from work this morning?

The mongoose?!?

No, not the mongoose. It was two cows! Apparently they had lept over the fence somewhere and were now enjoying my lucious green grass. This was no doubt a plot by my jealous neighbor, who has finally realized the brilliance and cunning of my earlier plans to let my grass grow long during the treacherous dry spell.

So anyway, I went to my backyard and opened the gate to the pasture, hoping they'd take the easy route and go peacefully. I was wrong. The first cow bolted headway into the fence with an awkward leap and caught his hind legs in the top strand of barbed wire. He fell and pulled more of the fence down, which in turn ripped one of the posts out of the ground. The second cow bolted for the woods. I followed, and found him a short ways out in a patch of sock-loving cockle-burrs. He ran back into my yard as soon as he saw me, and luckily bolted right through the gate without any further troubles.

And that was the end of my wildlife ordeal. As I mentioned, I did end up mowing over the weekend. And my predictions have so far been accurate in that my grass is lucious and green as the meadows of Gary's native Ireland. And its all because of my perfectly timed, well thought out management and lawn care.

I find your methods the work of genius. Please, reveal to us your secrets.

I'd be happy to. You see, the key is patience and a total disregard for your social standing in the community. There for awhile, my yard had grass nearly calf-high in length, with weeds and flowers growing almost waist-high in several places. Now, a normal person would drive to work each day, and look out upon this (seemingly!) field of neglect and disregard, and view it with contempt. Only a man with patience... a man with an understanding for the fine-tuned and delicate workings of mother nature... a man with a vision so superbly complex and magnificient that the minds of other men cannot begin to see the mastery of his plan.

You see, the trick of yard care during a drought is of course to let it grow. Cutting grass does two things: 1. The blades are damaged and thus "leak" moisture until they are healed, and 2. A shorter blade of grass provides less shade for the ground and thus increases the vulnerability of the soil to moisture loss. So... what to do?

As I mentioend before, the key is patience. Many a lawn enthusiast would wait until a good heavy rain, rush right out, and mow the next day. This is where he would come into danger. The trick is to hold back, and wait until you get not one, but two heavy rains in one week. In my case it took nearly six or seven weeks until this could be accomplished.

Ok, so I wait for two good rains in a week, then I'm in the clear, right?

No. Don't just go right out and mow as soon as the rain stops. Give it a day or so to help soak deeper. Your lawn's increased length will help in this regard. After a few days have passed, wait (but not too long now!) for a morning with heavy dew. Normally, you wouldn't want to mow so early with the grass still wet from the morning dew because of increased work on the lawnmower's engine. As these times of drought are thankfully a rarity, the benefit outweighs the extra gas you will use to finish the job. Not only that, but the effect of driving over the grass and cutting it will help knock some of the dew off the grass stems and into the soil, where it can be soaked up rather than evaporate.

And that concludes our lesson for today.

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