February 21, 2006 - Tuesday | 9:08 AM, CST

I almost caught my house on fire last night.

What do you mean, "almost"?

Well, items inside my house were on fire, but since they were extinguished before a smoke detector could be activated, my house itself was not technically on fire. These are my personal rules for domestic structure fires, and really, its a good accomplishment considering the large number of smoke detectors I have scattered throughout the house.

So what happened?

Well, I had just finished cooking myself some of the most delicious cheeseburgers I've ever had. You see, for several months now I've attempted to find a grill press, which is basically a flat, heavy piece of iron with a handle used to press down food while its cooking. Mainly its used to eliminate curl from bacon or keep hamburger patties from disforming as they're being cooked. I finally got tired of wasting my gas and my time looking for one in various stores, and ordered it directly from the company. Thats the reason I had burgers last night, it was my first experience cooking anything with the grill press. Anything that I had actually planned on eating, that is. Anyway, back to the fire... I was putting away my supper mess, and... Oh wait, did I mention that I had lit candles around the house for my supper? Well, I did. So there I was, cleaning up supper, when I noticed an odd, sickly sweet burning smell.

I sniffed the air a few times and said to myself "Hmm... thats not right." I turned around to investigate, and saw that I had accidently thrown a towel over one of the candles. The towel was now completely on fire and only inches away from the wall. I rushed over and picked it up on an as-yet-unburning corner and attempted to blow the fire out. Unfortunately, it had been going too long for that and my efforts only succeeded in making the fire larger and spraying sparks over the kitched floor. I ran to the sink and threw it inside, turning on the water to extinguish the flame. It sizzled and popped for about thirty seconds before finally succumbing in our fierce battle.

I've had the unfortunate luck to have the heating system go out in my Bravada. At first I thought it might be merely a radiator thermostat problem, but my engine temperature remains constant and heats up from a cold start as expected. My fan still works, and both hoses to the heater core are warm. This left only one thing: The Computer Climate Control. You know, the nice little gadget that says "You're too stupid to control the thermostat, let the computer do it for you." While the logic behind a computer controlled thermostat is sound, its practice is not. If I want my car blazing hot, I'm going to damn well turn up the heat until its blazing hot. I don't want to wait and pussyfoot around until the computer tells me its the right time.

That way, when the computer fucks up and thinks its too hot out, I'm not being blasted with cold air during my entire trip. And that situation is exactly what has happened. Although my thermostat is set at eighty-two degrees, the inside of my Bravada remains cold enough to see my breath. Long distance trips are especially uncomfortable, with the seat heater burning the hell out of my ass and every other part of me near freezing.

I asked Spinner how much it would cost... He merely shook his head with a "You're fucked" look and told me it'd be "several hundred dollars."

I wonder if they make twelve volt space heaters?

I've got lots more stories to tell, but not a lot of time to write. You'll just have to wait until next time and hope I don't forget. I've added Art and Amber to my list of links. Until next time.

grokkings

Its a tradition that I give everyone a one-dollar check for their birthday. I'm very generous like that.

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